Everything I need to know I learned from America’s Funniest Home Videos.

Let’s face it… America’s Funniest Home Videos it the best show on TV. Everyone seems to be going to youtube for their short clips of funny things happening when they could just watch AFV. Naturally, the hosts are not that great but the new guy… Tom… he’s pretty good. Besides, if you have DVR you can fast forward through the host anyway.

AFV is not just good for entertainment – it’s practically virtual life experience. As they say, anyone can learn from their own mistakes, but truly wise people learn from the mistakes of others. Here are a few things I’ve learned.

TEN AFV LESSONS:

1. If a squirrel gets into your house and you try to catch it (or chase it out) your house will end up in shambles. It seems that the best thing to do is learn how to co-exist with the squirrel. This is particularly difficult to explain to your pets.
2. If you have a baby, and you are laying on your back, don’t hold the baby above your face. It will definitely puke in your mouth.
3. Geese know exactly where your nuts are, and they will attack you there upon purpose.
4. If you are going to have children, keep paint and chocolate far out of reach.
5. Cats are the weirdest of God’s creations. Yes, I know about the duck billed platypus. I stand by it; cats are completely insane. If they are not chasing bags that are attached to their feet, squeezing under doors, or darting at full speed into walls, they are making strange noises that sound like a human drowning or performing seemingly impossible acrobatic tricks. If that is not enough to convince you, ponder this: I have seen a cat chase a bear away (on AFV). Think about it. They’re probably aliens.
6. Kangaroos are not cute, and the danger they can cause to people is almost always severely under estimated.
7. Elephants are not afraid of mice in real life… women truly are.
8. If you film your wife drooling and then wake her up, she will probably divorce you. If your wife is filming you drool and you wake up and are anything but happy about it, she will probably divorce you.
9. When you buy a new car MAKE SURE you know how to park it so that it won’t roll down your driveway and into a lake, someone’s house, or oncoming traffic. It’s called an emergency break people… just like your old car.
10. Dogs are worth every penny. They will probably break something at some point but they’re worth it because they’re just so happy all the time!

TEN THINGS NEVER TO BUY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES:

1. Pinatas – one way or another, you will get hit in the crotch or face. The same warning applies with T-Ball sets for your children.
2. Trampolines – Make a list of “ways to have fun on the trampoline” then make a list of “ways to get hurt on a trampoline.” If the “ways to get hurt” list is longer than the “ways to have fun” list (it will be), don’t buy the trampoline. In fact, trampolines aside, this is a pretty good test for almost anything.
3. Tickets to a drive-through safari – It’s just not worth it – monkeys will probably rip your windshield wipers off. If you MUST do go to one of these safaris, please don’t roll your windows down. If you MUST roll your windows down, please don’t encourage giraffes or elephants or any other animals to eat right off of your hands. They are wild animals folks – I have never seen more drool – not even in the movies.
4. ATVs or Snowmobiles – Enough said.
5. Those big Styrofoam airplanes – actually, you can buy those if you want but DEFINITELY film the results, post the video on-line somewhere, and let me know where to find it. I can always watch more people getting smacked with those things.
6. Those little airplanes with a string attached that fly around the operator in circles – those videos are almost not funny – I think I almost watched someone die of strangulation on National TV.
7. Gymnastics lessons – and give Karate some very careful thought. Don’t just sign up on a whim.
8. Macintosh Products – this has nothing to do with AFV but… don’t believe their marketing lies, people. They did not invent the smart phone. Macs crash too! Honest – I had one!
9. Baby Alligators – just trust me on this one.
10. Above Ground Swimming Pools – It will break. There will be a mini-flash flood that (depending on where the water goes) could cause substantial damage to your home and/or loved ones. If you have a dog, this warning is ten fold.

TEN THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN OBVIOUS TO PEOPLE, BUT APPARENTLY ARE NOT.

1. Don’t snowboard off of your roof. Just because it’s covered with snow does not make it safe.
2. If you’re going to cut a tree down, make sure you are not tied to the part that is going to fall.
3. If you weigh 300 pounds and you are going to try to swing into a lake – that’s fine – just make sure that both the rope, and the tree branch that the rope is attached to can support you. I’m not trying to offend anyone, I’m just looking out for you. You could end upside down in the mud, or worse.
4. Bears will kill you. I’m not kidding.
5. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES – I MEAN NO CIRCUMSTANCES try to bench twice your body weight WITH NO SPOTTER. I can’t stress that enough people.
6. Don’t film your family or loved ones in the shower. How would you feel? I mean, come on.
7. Don’t go para-sailing in Mexico – particularly if you are over the weight limit. Again, I’m not picking on anyone. It just looks really painful. Actually, it’s probably a good idea to just stay away from para-sailing all together, regardless of your weight or where you do it.
8. Keep silly string away from birthday candles… or any open flame for that matter.
9. Please do not get in a tractor tire and roll yourself down a hill. Parents, if you encourage your children to do this, you are bad parents. I don’t want to hear excuses. In fact, any parent who decides it’s a better idea to keep filming their children doing wild and dangerous things needs to get their priorities straight. PUT THE CAMERA DOWN AND STOP THE WILD AND DANGEROUS THINGS FROM HAPPENING. YOUR CHILD COULD BE IN SERIOUS DANGER!
10. On a camcorder, look through the EYEPIECE, not the lens. Otherwise we just get lots of footage of your eye.

ULTIMATE RECIPE FOR DISASTER
If you want a solid AFV experience, just do the following and make sure to have a video camera ready:

Your wedding reception must be outside. Definitely have alcohol, and an expensive cake. At some point in the evening, make sure to break a pinata (blindfolded). For some extra excitement, do this on a trampoline. Tell everyone to bring all of their children, as well as their dogs and cats. When opening the champagne, NEVER point it away from anyone. Lock your knees at all times no matter what. Invite LOTS AND LOTS of old people and tell them they can’t wear belts, then play catch with them. If you don’t know lots of old people it wouldn’t be a bad idea to invite a local retirement village just for fun. I’m sure they’d appreciate it anyway.

The real lesson here is to watch AFV not only for entertianment, but also for good life lessons. I’m telling you, it’s changed my life and I think it would change yours as well.

-David May

p.s. This post is dedicated to two of my old roommates.  One of our rituals was watching AFV together.  I miss that, and I miss them.  Here’s to you A.T. and Kev.